I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
