So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
