Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
