Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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