We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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