I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
