It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Text me some of your sweat
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
