I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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