if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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