I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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