I don't usually arrange sex via text message
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Randomize
