I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
