Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
