glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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