It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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