she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
