Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
