dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
