Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
