I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
