there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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