glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
