honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
