I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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