Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
