Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
