I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Of course I have a pirate flag
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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