We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
