I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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