I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
