Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
