Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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