would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
