ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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