I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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