just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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