I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
