I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
