Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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