Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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