wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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