Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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