woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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