I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
