You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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