Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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