I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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