The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
