Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
