I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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