today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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