meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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