Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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