we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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