I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
porn star boner night. come get it.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
