Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
