I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
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you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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