i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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