Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
