You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
