Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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