Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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