Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
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