what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
